Emptiness isn't Enough

Over the past week I have seen many great works—works of the devil and miracles of God—and none of them are matters I can keep to myself. As I continue to grow deeper and deeper in a relationship with Christ, I am increasingly excited about who God is and who He has made me to be! True life is a wonderful thing! It is an incredible gift full of mysteries and magic, but the more I strive to know Him and make Him known, the more Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. This week, I have seen and felt the spiritual warfare, as I have been continually plagued with sickness and an indescribably terrible feeling that I like to call emptiness.

Let’s be real: SICKNESS SUCKS. There is never a convenient time for physical struggles and I would say that a few weeks before leaving the country and struggling with school, work, family, and friends is one of those inconvenient times. For the past year I have been hurting with headaches and stomach pains, but in the last week they have hit me harder than ever before. It sucks, it really does suck to be hurting. For me this week, it’s been hard to breathe, it burns, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s just plain exhausting! But there is something worse than sickness, and it is having a hole in your heart...

Every day this week I’ve been battling emptiness for what seemed to be no apparent reason! Though, now I see that it was the Devil after me… Last weekend I had gone on a retreat in the mountains where I was being reaffirmed with the greatness of God and the weeks before that had been full of nothing but adventure and passion as I learned more about Him. But when I came back from my weekend in the mountains, every day things seemed to be going downhill. During the first part of the week, I didn’t even notice it. I felt a little “off” but I was still tethered to the Lord, as close as ever. Later in the week however, I felt this physical and emotional something that I can’t even put a finger on—but it ran deep. It was like finishing a good book or TV series, except much more real! As if it was the story of my life that no longer served a purpose. It sat somewhere in my stomach, just below my sternum but above my belly button. Deeper within me, I could feel what was like a stabbing in my spirit. It literally felt like someone was gutting me clean! Until it was done-- My heart was empty and it felt hopeless.

Now, I can’t say anything dramatic made this come about; I didn’t lose a family member or a love… in fact I didn’t lose anything. At most, I gained a lot of valuable skills, lessons, and even material items this week—so why did I feel so empty? If you’ve ever felt this feeling than you can identify with me, and you are probably wrinkling your face in disgust, trying to stay as far away as you can get from this void. On the other hand, if you’ve never experienced this issue before, you are probably completely lost and the whole situation seems quite melodramatic. I understand that, but I urge you to stick with me because if you haven’t felt this way yet, you will someday and there is only one way to ever really get rid of the emptiness.

So on Thursday night, when this feeling began to really settle in, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I tried to fill the emptiness with people, food, hard work, no work, sleep, everything I could think of! Nothing was helping. I knew in reality that God was the only one who could put an end to the emptiness so throughout this time I was praying that He’d make it stop, but even with that knowledge, I felt hopeless.

However, there was a moment when everything changed. This morning the sickness grew worse and I felt like there was a cement wall between God and I, even though I KNOW He is still there. I cried to The Lord, “GOD! What happened? It was just last week that I felt closer to you than I ever have. I wanted more and more of you and I’ve still been reading your word and listening for you in my life. I still want you, but it seems like a hopeless request. I know you haven’t gone anywhere. In fact, if anything is the problem, it’s probably me… but I don’t know what to do! I’m trying to sing these worships songs and I want to have conversation and I am seeing your goodness but even then I feel empty! Where did things go wrong this week? Where did things go wrong in me? I know there are going to be times where I don’t get as much out of your word, and I might not “feel” our relationship emotionally, but this is more! This is my very spirit that is being eaten alive and I don’t know what to do to change it. I know there will be times of hardship such as this, but even then I want to find joy in it… but how can I Lord? I’ve tried it all but it seems there is no way out of this empty prison cell!” 

  
Then The God of the Angel Armies replied to me and said, “This week has been full of spiritual battle, Angels and Demons, both fighting for your heart and spirit. You were right to come to me child. Even if you couldn’t recognize my fullness because of the hope that was stolen from you, I was still reigning on my throne and hearing your God-made voice. Now let me remind you again of who I Am:”

And from this came a poem…

He is not only my father, brother, lover, creator, giver, taker, friend. 

He is all of the above, to which there is no end.

He is Lord and King;

He is everything.

He is streams of Life;

He is the light of night.

He is the sun as it rises;

He gives light to the skies and it’s,

Not enough to be far apart,
I need to hold His hand—

to be close to His heart,

And I can’t walk, can’t talk, can’t breath alone.

He takes me in, HE is my home.

He takes me on adventures—together we slay dragons.

He takes me to new worlds--
Greater than I could ever imagine.

And in the sword fight of my life,

The king steps in and slays the enemy with no more than a knife.

I couldn’t want for more than what has been given to me—

For in my possession is key to living and it is enough to set me free!

And all of a sudden, I felt whole again.

Nothing more, nothing less. He was everything I needed. So no matter what struggles you face this week, remember to step back and try your best, but let God be enough.

Live, Learn, Love, and Leave a Legacy,

-Emma