Attack of the Chipmunks: A Satirical Comedy

Attack of the Chipmunks: A Satirical Comedy 

by Michaela Johnson and Laurel Burlew

The year was 1924.  It was a warm summer day on the first of July.  Two 19-year-olds went out for a picnic around noon.  They went looking for an adventure at a nearby forest by the regional lake.

“Perfect day for a picnic, wouldn’t you say?”  Remarked Annalise as they picked out a spot by the stream that fed into the lake. 

“Why yes, Anna dear, we couldn’t have done better with timing.”  Replied Sophia Grace with a smile of contentment.  As they spread out the picnic blanket, the friends unpacked a plethora of snacks and two very chilled iced teas.  It was the perfect start to a tremendous afternoon.  The sound of the rushing water coupled with the ominous clouds created a serene feel to the landscape.  It was the perfect day for an adventure; then again, every day is, but this day the ambiance was perfect.  Yes, this day was the perfect day for an adventure.

They young women set out to spelunk and work up an appetite at a nearby cave at the lakeside.  Upon arrival at their site of exploration, they happened upon a quaint sight: there amongst their finger sandwiches sat an innocent-looking chipmunk. This chipmunk was rather a corpulent looking creature with lineament features.

“Oh, isn’t that the most charming creature?” exclaimed Sophia Grace.

“Why yes; what a refined little thing.”

As Anna spoke those words, the chipmunk looked up from its feast of finger sandwiches and locked eyes onto the girls.  Mesmerized, the girls fondly beheld the captivating sight of the small creature with food half stuffed in its mouth, staring at them. 

“We must have been gone for quite some time,” Annalise laughed; “the little buggar has already finished my crumpets.”

“At least he has not touched our iced tea!”

“Very true, dear, at least we can find solace in that.  But, whatever shall we eat now?  I was so looking forward to our delightful picnic.”

“Well, it would appear that this little nuisance is enjoying our picnic well enough.  It should be taught a lesson in touching homo-sapiens’ foodstuff!”

With that being said, the girls drew near to the varmint, aiming to shoo it away from their delicious lunches—or, at least, what was left of them.  So they started forward in pursuit of it.  As they drew near, the chipmunk became more aware of an imminent threat and stood on his haunches, swallowing the food and eyeing the girls with ferocity. 

Sophia Grace hesitated.  “Dear Annalise, I do believe this creature wishes to louse us up!”

“Do not fret, Sophia Grace, he is but a harmless, unintelligent rodent who knows nothing and wishes us no such ill will.”  With that being said, Annalise proceeded. 

But alas, the creature reared up, ready to strike the intruders of his domain.  Unable to listen to the council of her friend, Annalise was struck by the fierce little chipmunk as he launched himself at her face.  Sophia Grace stood in astonishment at such a vulgar sight—could it be that her friend was being assaulted?

As Sophia Grace rushed forward to the aid of her friend, she was detained by an air strike of acorns being shot down upon her from within the trees.  They pelted down, as if to make a statement.  Sophia Grace dared to look up, and beheld the most peculiar sight.  Dozens—nay, hundreds—of chipmunks prevented her from reaching her friend Annalise.  Annalise, meanwhile, was at the mercy of the villainous chipmunk that took to clawing at her face.  She was barely able to keep it from gouging out her crystal blue eyes, and could not hold on much longer.

Just in time, a handsome dark hobo came to her aid and fearlessly ripped the chipmunk her from face and threw it into the lake.  But no sooner had he saved her from tyranny did he himself find that there were two more, leaping from the treetops and latching themselves onto his legs, to avenge their friend.  This had given Annalise just enough time to rush to her friend, grab her hand, and proceed forward to the lake. 

The hobo trailed behind, limping after beating off the chipmunks—they had bruised and bloodied him badly, but he was a survivor.  He pointed out to the ladies a canoe that rested on the waterside, along the other side of the lake.  The trio dashed off to the canoe as quickly as their tired, bruised legs could carry them.  A rain of acorns followed them, relentlessly hitting them on their heads and shoulders.  War cries of chipmunks young and old rang out through the forest, and the girls knew that this may be their last moment.  But as this thought passed, they reached the canoe and were able to row to the safety of the open waters.

As they took a breath of relief and examined their injuries, they heard the eerie sound of roaring water.  But they were not alarmed at this, for they were more concerned with the physical state they were in.  Poor Annalise was bleeding profusely from cuts she received by the instigator.  Sophia Grace was already showing signs of bruises all over her perfect ivory complexion.  And the brave hobo, who shall not be named for the sake of his safety, could very well have lost a leg from the vicious attacks against him. 

“Listen,” The hobo warned, “I have run into these monstrous creatures before.  What may, on the exterior, appear to be a cute and cuddly chipmunk, is in reality a dangerous and bloodthirsty enemy of us homo-sapiens.  They cannot swim, and so we are safe.  As long as follow this lake to the river head, we shall be spared.”

What the trio did not foresee was that, between the lake and the river lay a waterfall.  This masterpiece of flowing glossy water, though beautiful, was in itself filled with danger.  While the group escaped the attacks from the unknowable chipmunks, they were headed straight in the direction of this powerful flow of water.

The last we saw of these, the hobo was shouting at the top of his lungs, urging the girls to attempt to row away from the waterfall.  But to no avail—they plummeted off the water’s edge into the unknown below.

To be continued…